How Not To Make Love In A Romance Novel
by Newgirl78
Summary: It never happens like it does in a romantic novel. What if they were honest with us? What would a REAL intimate night between Nick and Jess look like? Welcome to the real world of 4D love making... ***Rated M. Clearly.***


**What if sex in fan fic world and romance novels was written just like it usually happens in real life? No making love on the sand with waves crashing around you, or rolling around in the freshly cut summer grass or the forest floor in the middle of the woods. What if we read a sex scene between Nick and Jess JUST like it would happen in a real life apartment 4D?**

* * *

The sex was hot.

She wasn't going to lie.

But it was hot in that "I can't believe we're finally making this work" kind of way, and less "damn, 50 shades of gray is really boring".

Sometimes, they were so in-sync, she felt like Disney should start modeling adult-themed, "The Princesses After Hours" segments for Adult Swim after their very active sex life. Other times though, she felt like she was being "punked" by some Ashton Kutcher far-from-look-alike that Nadia had found in the back of some sleazy club.

One night in particular, they had the loft all to themselves and they were enjoying a little _too_ much alcohol in their lame attempt to play True American by themselves. They had somehow managed to both end up sitting on the coffee table when she had this (not so) brilliant idea to stand up and try to pole dance on the imaginary pole in the center of the table. Nick had only found it amusing for as long as it took her to clumsily start tugging at her clothes, and then he had suddenly turned into the handsy boyfriend who only could see this night heading in one direction.

After trying unsuccessfully for at least the third time to mimic pelvic thrusts against a mythical, cold metal pole, she decided that it would be exponentially more enticing to try a strip tease right there above his lap. It _would_ have been a good idea, had she not remembered she was wearing a pantyliner, because well, it was just one of those days where she was feeling exceptionally...moist. Probably because she was ovulating. Which, come to think of it, was probably why she was so damn horny today. Funny how that worked. Damn it Darwin and your stupid survival of the fittest/evolution crap...or wait, was that Freud?

This was really all Cece's fault.

Damn her and that stupid book, "Taking Control of Your Fertility". Not that she didn't have a vested interested in figuring out her ticking time bomb of a body, but now that she knew precisely _when_ they could potentially conceive a little Miller, it made her irrationally angry when she got to that point where she had to say "Nick, you have to wear a condom tonight". It was always met with the very orgasm-killer response of "damn it Jess, can't I just pull out and hope for the best? I think I want to convert to Catholicism..." The conversation would continue with a "If I'm going to shove a stupid thermometer in my mouth every morning at the same damn time because you've discovered how amazing sex is bareback, then you're going to listen when I tell you that I'm ripe for impregnating. Got it, mister?"

"God woman, will you just take off your clothes already, all this is making me chub up like you would not believe."

"Really?! Because it's kind of making _me_ want to go drink more wine and write non-realistic fan fic sex instead..."

So that's when they got to the point where she decided to do the strip tease and realized that the pantyliner was in there and it was going to be _far_ from hot when she got to that point in the show.

"Sooooo, I'm going to be right back." She leaned over to roughly rub his pants a few times (such a tease), and tore off down the hall toward the bathroom. Because, well, she also had to pee from all the wine she had consumed that night trying to even _get_ to this point in their evening.

She gets to the bathroom, doing what she needs to do, when she realizes that yeah, it's probably a good idea that she finds some scissors because...well, she really _expects _that he'll go down on her tonight. Come on, Nick Miller? Do you think it's all about just the _sex_ with him? God no. If she was being honest, it was all about those hands, and that mouth, and the things he could do with that tongue. Good God, why was she still sitting on her ass on a cold toilet seat? So she, in true Ninja fashion, runs out of the stall over to the sink for her makeup bag and pulls out the sewing scissors that she has so stealthily hidden in there since she started dating her sexy roommate.

Now, this is the point where she has to take a deep breath and really take her time. She'd be lying if she said she doesn't break out in a sweat every time she does this because she has a horrific image in her head of somehow nicking her...you know, and then where would she be? The sex might be good, but she was never going to experience one of her _really (_no, REALLY) good orgasms that way. No, he was going to have to be able to give her oral for those, even if she had to go to her grave keeping _that_ secret from him. What? If she thought actual _sex_ was good, it had nothing on what Nick Miller could do to her with a little friction, his tongue, and two of those perfect fingers...

Okay, so now that she was _really_ needing that pantyliner, she threw the scissors back in the bag and grabbed a towel off a hook (hers, not anyone else's, because now that she read that damn book, she _swore_ there were little sperms floating around in places she didn't even want to know and well, some of those were clearly _NOT_ Nick's). Right...where was she? Oh yeah, hot as hell for Nick's mouth on her lady parts.

She ran down the hall into her room, where Nick was "conveniently" already naked on the bed. Wow, presumptuous much, buddy? You're totally getting me first, or I'm going to lose this hornyness, and DAMN I NEED AN ORGASM RIGHT NOW. My day really sucked.

She crawled onto the bed and kind of, sort of, gave a little pitty pat to his saluting officer before she rubbed herself against his hip and gave him that look that she knew he couldn't resist. She raised her eyebrows and bit her lip, really, _really_ hoping he got the message because...if she had to take care of him first and then either a) have to go brush her teeth because he came too early or b) have to go _wash_ something because he came _on_ her...yeah, her orgasm was totally _not_ happening tonight.

Okay, he was kissing her neck now and his hands were on their way downstairs so, YES he got the hint. She _wanted_ to want him to take his time with some foreplay, because, let's be honest, when he took his time he was GOOD. Really good. But for some reason, tonight she just wanted him down there, sucking and thrusting, and...GOD, how the hell long was he going to play with her _ear_. Come on, man, DO SOMETHING. So she leaned her hips against him and moaned a little bit, pulling her head back from his lips and taking deep breaths. Yeah. That would do it.

He flashed her a smile and started to sit up. All she could think was, THANK GOD. If she was going to be this horny, the least he could do was let her actually enjoy it, right?

So he's down there, and he's doing his thing and ...Oh God...She jerked her hips, letting out a muffled yelp. Seriously Nick, can you not feel the angle in there? You either haven't cut your nails in a month or I did a horribly bad job with my scissors and you think you've found some side entrance no one knew about. After pausing for a moment, he gets all back in there and ...okay, now THAT is what she was talking about. It feel so good and she wants to take a deep breath, but can't. She starts to relax and spreads her legs wider and he's oh so good at this. Then all of the sudden she thinks she may have moved too quickly because...yeah, a noise came out where it usually doesn't and OH MY GOD, please, please, please let Nick not to have heard that. She holds her breath for a second, realizing that he either didn't hear it or doesn't care. She starts to relax her hips open again and wraps her legs around him so her heels have found their little spot at his shoulder blades. She fights the urge to just grab his head and shove it further in there, but she doesn't. Would that be weird? She definitely thinks it might be better, but even after all this time together, she's not sure he would think that was "hot", right? Okay, focus Jessica.

His tongue starts moving faster and he's pushing his fingers in there so deep that she literally starts to feel like she's passing out. She's not even going to let her mind wander to how he got this good, she just knows she's so glad he is. She feels herself coming fast and hard, and there's no way that she can take this kind of intensity. Sometimes, like right now, it's so good that she almost wants to push him away because she has this moment of...TERROR at how intense it is. It's like her entire body is exploding and it's hot and emotional and amazing. Her body is rocking and shaking as her orgasm takes over her body and she can't believe that he can make her feel this way with just his hands and his mouth. Yeah, she knows it's not what a guy wants to hear but damn, it's so NOT about the size of any penis. He knows to keep going until she's done shaking and she's so glad he does, because she feels like this is the longest she's ever taken to come down off that high. Like, EVER.

He crawls up the bed next to her with a dumb grin on his face because he _knows _how good he is. Hell, she'd give him this one, no matter how smug he looked right now because he deserved a freakin' Emmy for that performance right there. She took another deep breath and felt a shudder go through her body as he kissed her cheek.

"Good?" Like he needed her to answer THAT one.

She reached up to touch his ruffled hair, still gasping. "So good. You're amazing." Because he was _that _good.

He started to get up, probably because he knew she had this weird thing about kissing him after and he always brushed his teeth for her. But tonight she just pulled him back down on the bed, coaxing him to lay down and she just gave him a smile. So what, right? He had done such an amazing job, and okay in the back of her mind she was getting a little tired, so she started kissing his chest as her hand found his cock and started to pump it in her hands. She glanced up just long enough to see his face relax as he shut his eyes and she couldn't help but smile at how good it made her feel. Yeah, she was pretty damn good herself.

She starts to lean over and then stops herself when her eyes get closer. Casually she runs her fingers over his boys, which elicits a pretty sexy groan from deep in his throat, and smirks. Is that hair_ gray_? She squints and then stifles a giggle. OMG, yep,... gray pubes. She was totally going to make fun of him for that tomorrow. She does her thing, alternating between her mouth and the speed of her hand. Why does her jaw _always_ cramp up like this? So embarrassing. Was there some sort of Zumba or CrossFit for your mouth that she could try to get it conditioned to stay in that position longer? I mean really, it was kind of irritating how out of shape her oral cavity seemed to be. It's not like she didn't _want_ to keep her mouth on there, but geez, it was like she had lock jaw from tetanus or something and she was going to die. She'd have to remember to Google the mouth aerobics thing later...

There's a moment where all she can think is, well I hope this is enough for him, because I'm so, SO good now and since I know I'm ovulating, even with the condom I'm just not going to be able to think about anything except the fact that I hope the condom does it's job tonight. She shakes her head, feeling guilty that she really just thought what she did and tries really hard to get into turning him on and making it good for him too. Because you know what? She really, really loves this man, and she'd be lying if she said it wasn't hot as hell when she knew she could turn him on like this.

She can feel his body tense against her and he's so hard in her hand that she feels like she may just jump on top of him right now and shove him into her, because the look on his face and the sound that is coming out of his mouth is SO FREAKIN' HOT. His body seems to spontaneously break out in a sweat and she very obviously stares at him as he releases himself onto his gut with this almost inaudible whimpering "fuck". While it's kind of weird that his belly button ends up this temporary (although useful...hats off to you again evolution) reservoir for the opaque excretion, it's oddly satisfying to see. There's this very disconcerting moment where she (NEVER TO BE REPEATED) feels like maybe she wants to lick it off of him, but them shakes her head at how strange that idea would be. I mean, if she wanted to taste it, she would have just used her mouth and saved the hassle of cleanup, right?

He pops his head up, gasping for air and smiles at her. Damn, he's so cute. Scooting up the bed, not ignoring the fact that there's still saliva dripping down the inside of her thigh and she's essentially using her clean sheets as a towel, she leans over and presses a kiss to his cheek. God, could she love this man any more? He collapses on the pillow, moaning "you're amazing" and a smug smile crosses her lips. After a few moments to catch his breath and flashing her a completely intoxicating smile, he tries to sit up, cupping his junk in his hands and snapping "crap, did you use all the tissues?"

Romantic.

She picks her butt up off the sheets, trying to keep her dripping undercarriage from leaving any more trails on the bed, and she leaps off her side to grab the tissue box. Pulling one out, she hands it to him. He wipes up what he can before giving her an incredulous look, "seriously Jess, ONE?" She grimaces as she hands him an entire wad of tissues, watching as the now disintegrated tissue is half stuck to him in a really unattractive way. Kind of like what happens when you have to use the bathroom after swimming and you forget that it's one of those times that you absolutely can NOT put paper down on the seat first. You just remember the chlorine coating your ass and hope for the best.

She watches him waddle off down the hall to the bathroom while she grabs her own wad of tissues. Grimacing at how unpleasant the whole thing is for how amazing it feels while it's happening, she cleans herself up and puts on a pair of clean panties. Definitely NOT the sexy silk ones, because really, you can't do anything but cotton after an experience like that unless she planned to shower first. Smiling, she throws on a tank top and her comfy pink and white striped pajama pants just as Nick comes back in the room looking quite satisfied (thank you very much). He walks over to her with a big grin plastered across his face and pulls her into a tight hug and makes her think that she's probably the luckiest girl alive. She can't help but slap his ass as he lets go and opens the dresser for a clean pair of boxers and a gray t-shirt.

So they're both relaxed and well, clean and dry and they're ready to get into bed and go to sleep. He gets in first and she TRIES to avoid the huge wet spot of saliva and her lady juices, but let's be honest, who really wants to _lay_ in that, you know? So she looks at Nick and says "So um, you have sheets on your bed right?"

He looks at her funny. Well not even funny, like she's lost her damn mind and growls. "Who cares, I'm tired, just climb in."

She points to the wet spot and grimaces. "Sorry, that's so gross, I can't."

He rolls his eyes. "Jess, it'll dry, it's fine. It's from you anyway."

She gives him a look that she kind of wants to ACTUALLY kill him now and he sighs dramatically as he gets out of the bed.

They make their way across the hall where they're nice and cozy in his (somewhat) clean bed and he pulls her close with a huge laugh. She looks at him and narrows her eyes when he stops and gives her a sweet kiss. "You know, I can't wait until we don't have to worry about this whole not getting pregnant thing." She rolls her eyes and gives him an exasperated look, knowing that he's going to start in on the whole "wearing a condom versus bareback feel" again. But then, he doesn't. He just looks at her with a cheesy grin on his face, which confuses her for a second until she realizes what he might mean by that.

She pulls back and props herself up on her elbow. "Wait, you mean because you hate condoms, right?"

He puts his other arm behind his head and averts his gaze for a second, taking what seems like a lifetime to gather his thoughts as he takes several deeps breaths. Then he looks at her, eyes sparkling and starts to speak in this soft, contemplative way. "I think we should have a baby."

Her jaw drops open before she's able to formulate a coherent thought in her head. He stares at her, his eyes showing a little bit of panic because she hasn't said a word in what feels like HOURS.

She feels herself open her mouth and a voice squeaks out that doesn't sound like her at all. And it scares her, and excites her and...he wants to have a baby with her. NICK MILLER. He's actually mentioning something first and not panicking or denying it or turning it into to some weird and random joke. "You've thought about us having a baby?"

He looks down again and the hand that was behind his head is now playing with the hair laying over her shoulder. "I don't know, maybe?" It's then that he looks into her eyes and she just _knows_. He's serious. He really wants to have a baby.

A smile creeps across her lips and she playfully pokes his chest, fluttering her eyelids against her cheeks and turning on her Judy Garland voice. "But darlin', you'd have to make me an honest woman first." She laughs, but notices that he doesn't. That's weird, he almost _always_ plays along with her funny voices. Then she panics and wonders if she said something else that she missed and tries to rewind the entire conversation. That's when he starts to get up and she thinks, oh God you really did it now, Jess. Way to take a lighthearted, honest moment when the man you love is _finally_ talking about the future and then just ruin it.

That's when she notices that he's kneeling on the floor in front of her with a stupid grin on his gorgeous face and awkwardly leaning over the bed in front of her. She sits up and stares at him like he has two heads. "What are you doing, Nick?" He keeps looking at her with an expression on his face that she can't quite place and yep, now she's panicking. Why is he looking at her like that and what is he doing with his hand, and...

"Jessica," She looks down and sees it, and she feels like the room is suddenly spinning out of control. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, knowing that she's probably in some weird half-awake state and that at any moment she's going to wake up over in her bedroom and none of this has happened. But when she opens her eyes, she's still there and he's still smiling at her, and there's definitely something on her finger. She feels the tears forming in her eyes when she's finally able to look up at him again. She sees the man she's loved for so long, looking at her in a way that she's never going to get used to as long as she lives.

His voice cracks in this adorable and sweet way that only Nick Miller can do and he just...he just asks her. "Will you marry me?"

Before she knows it, she's thrown herself into his arms and they've somehow ended up on the floor on a pile of his old shoes and she doesn't care at all. Her arms are wrapped around his neck and he's laughing and she's laughing. And she's HAPPY. Really, truly happy.

She hears him laughing in her ear as he's buried in her hair. "So that's a yes?"

She pulls back and looks at him. Really LOOKS at him. She can see all the moments that they've shared right there in his eyes. She can feel his love and his friendship, and everything that they're going to have together. She sees a house with a little yard and kids and a dog running around with his favorite flannel shirt stuck between it's teeth. She laughs. "You better BELIEVE that's a yes, Nicholas Miller!" She falls against him as he pulls her close to him and she can feel him sighing in relief against her chest as another laugh escapes her lips.

She hears him say "I love you" while he wraps his arms tightly around her waist and all she can think of is how lucky she is that someday soon she gets to be Jessica Miller and how in the world did all this happen to HER? She's giggling now. That uncontrollable, nervous giggle that she never can quite control once she starts. All she think about is how incredibly awkward their night had been, and how crazy their sex life (and otherwise) could get, and how people looking at them right now would think they are clearly the two BIGGEST weirdos on the entire planet. But then she pulls back and sees the look on his face and thinks that maybe it's the rest of the world that doesn't understand how AMAZING their crazy, mixed up love was.

* * *

**To add: This proposal is actually a very weird, very real proposal that happened while I was oversharing how I was trying to GET pregnant while she was trying to avoid it. Funny how that works, right?**


End file.
